Let Me Go
by likecominghome
Summary: "I love you, you know. I'll always love you. Goodbye, Stiles."


"I don't know if I can do this anymore."

The words crashed over him like a bucket of ice cold water and he sat up straight in bed, looking to the side to see that Scott was still asleep. Throwing off his covers, he slowly lowered his feet to the floor and pushed himself from the bed as gingerly as possible. On his tip toes, he grabbed his room key and padded towards the hotel room door, opening it, stepping outside, and closing it as quietly as possible, having flashbacks to the times he'd snuck out while his dad was sleeping to meet Scott in the woods.

"Stiles? Are you still there?"

Her voice rang out over the phone, spilling into the empty hallway as he pressed his back against the wall and dropped to the floor, fingers weaving into his bed head, tugging it backwards.

"Yeah," he said quietly. "Can we talk about this?"

"I don't know if there's anything to talk about…"

Lydia's voice was uncertain as she stood in her bathroom, holding the phone to her ear and staring at her reflection in the mirror. For three weeks, she'd been avoiding having this conversation, thinking perhaps, that given time, things would just work themselves out, but now she was starting to think she were naïve for believing it would work out at all.

They had been dating for six months the first time he had to leave. At the time, the two of them were wide eyed and giddy in love, so trying a long distance relationship seemed like the obvious choice. Stiles was perfect: funny and charming and sweet and affectionate and she'd never felt so safe with someone before.

So when he came over a week before he was scheduled to leave and asked if she wanted to try staying together while he was gone, she didn't hesitate to say yes.

At first, it all seemed so romantic. She cried when she said goodbye at the airport, but she was proud and excited for all that he was about to accomplish. This was his dream, after all, of course he had to chase it.

The two of them texted constantly and video chatted when possible and whenever he came home, it was like they were starting over and constantly in that honeymoon phase of their relationship. Over time, being apart became almost routine and although she missed him constantly, she didn't feel rejected when he had to cancel a Skype date because they'd figured out a new lead on a case they were trying to solve. His life was hectic and crazy and she understood that being in a relationship with a private detective would come with sacrifices.

But over the past few months, she was beginning to wonder how much longer she could put her life on hold for Stiles.

It was Kira who first pointed it out, rolling her eyes when she'd back out of plans because Stiles wanted to video chat and it was the only time he was free that day.

"You can't plan her entire life around him," she'd said.

Lydia had done some eye rolling of her own because she loved Stiles, so of course she'd do whatever she could to make their relationship work.

But the more she thought about, the more she started to realize that Kira was right. She weas neglecting her social life for Stiles's sake, blowing off her friends pretty much any time he called or texted because she didn't know how much time he'd have to talk.

It wasn't fair to anybody and she was starting to wonder when she'd become the kind of person who forgot about everything else when she got a boyfriend.

The sound of him saying her name pulled her out of her reverie.

"Baby," he pleaded, his finger remaining tangled in his hair. "Come on, talk to me. Please? What's going on?"

"I'm just feeling a little lost," she admitted, turning from the mirror and walking into her bedroom. Sitting on the edge of her bed, she fell backwards and stared at the ceiling, thankful she didn't have class for a few more hours so she had time to sort out her head.

"Lost in what way?"

He had no idea what was going on, but he knew he didn't like that her voice sounded so heavy and he wished he was with her so he could hold her in his arms and help her carry her burdens.

The truth was, she didn't really know how to explain it. It wasn't Stiles's fault that he was gone all the time. She couldn't be happier or prouder of all he'd accomplished and she didn't want him to think that she resented the fact that he was doing something he was passionate about. She just needed him to know that she wanted to live her dreams as well.

"I think about you constantly, you know," she said quietly, counting the plastic glow in the dark stars that were pasted on either side of her fan.

"You're always on my mind," he agreed, leaning his head back against the wall. "I miss you so much."

The two of them had gotten in the habit of sending each other hand written letters. She'd spray the paper with her perfume and whenever he missed her like crazy, which was pretty much always, he'd press the folded up paper to his nose and pretend he was holding her beneath the sheets, his arms wrapped around her middle and she was snuggled against his chest.

"I miss you, too," she whispered. "But in missing you, I realized I forgot to think about me."

"I don't understand."

It was a fair enough statement because thus far, she'd been pretty vague.

She heard him yawn on the other end. She felt bad for calling him in the middle of the night, his sleepy voice when he first answered making her heart hurt. But she'd spent so long putting it off, saying that it wasn't the right time, that she knew if she didn't do it now, she'd never say what she needed to say. The timing was never going to be right, but Stiles needed to know how she felt.

"There's so much I want to do, Stiles," she tried to explain. "There's so many places I want to see and things I want to experience and I feel like I've been putting that all on hold because I was trying to schedule my life around yours."

He'd asked her to join the detective agency he'd started with Scott to solve supernatural mysteries wherever they happened in the world, and as exciting and enthralling as it sounded, all Lydia wanted was a normal college experience. After everything she'd gone through in Beacon Hills, she needed some stability in her life.

"Do you think I'm holding you back?"

He never wanted to be the reason she didn't get to do everything she wanted to do. He loved her more than anything, but he knew she was too special and too amazing to keep to himself. The world deserved to know she as well.

"No," she assured him, knowing full well that it was with Stiles's help that she'd discovered her full potential. "But I think these are things I need to do on my own. Without you."

Those last words were difficult for her to say and she choked them out as she blinked back tears, imagining his distraught expression as he leaned against the wall of the hotel hallway and tried to figure out what went wrong.

It broke her heart to end things, but she knew it had to be done. She couldn't keep living her life around Stiles. Last year, she had wanted to study abroad in Spain, but she never told him because she would have had to leave a few days before he came home for the first time in four months. She had missed him desperately while he was gone and she knew that going abroad meant it would be another six months until she saw him again and at the time, she wasn't prepared for that, so she put it off.

Looking back, she realized it was the first time she'd completely disregarded her own desires because of him and it started to become a pattern. It wasn't his fault, but she wasn't sure she'd ever branch out and challenge herself if she was constantly waiting around for him.

"Lydia…" he said softly, his voice cracking slightly as he attempted to keep himself from crying. "Please don't do this."

Despite the fact that her words were shattering his heart into pieces, part of him did understand what she was saying. He was always leaving her and it wasn't fair of him to ask her to wait. He was out finding himself and conquering the world and she needed the opportunity to do the same.

Still, he was in love with her and he wasn't ready to let that go. He wanted to fight for her relationship, he wanted to prove to her that it would all be worth it in the end. But it was hard to make his argument convincing when he was halfway around the world.

"I love you, you know," she whispered, meaning every word. Her heart belonged to Stiles, it had for years now and she knew that no matter where life took her, a small piece of him would always be with her. But even if she believed in destiny and believed that someday, they'd end up together again, she didn't want to make any promises. She didn't want her relationship with the most wonderful person she'd ever known to end with expectations that would only lead to resentment if they weren't fulfilled. She had no idea where she'd end up and if it turned out that she and Stiles weren't destined to cross paths again, she wanted the both of them to look back on their relationship with only happiness. "I'll always love you."

"I love you, too."

Although his words sounded slightly more hopeful, he could tell there was a finality to her tone and he squeezed his eyes shut, pressing his head back against the floral wallpaper of the hotel hallway, allowing her last words to wash over him and break him to pieces, the final stomp on his already cracked heart.

"Goodbye, Stiles."


End file.
